Why You Should Wish Your Enemies Get Everything They’ve Ever Wanted
Keep the adversity to yourself, that's how we grow smarter
In this issue
• Why your enemies deserve everything they want, and why you don’t
• What The Poison King teaches us about growth
• How hard classes make better thinkers (even if students hate them)
• A monthly ritual to build resilience: no hacks, just hard things
Why the weird email timing?
Each issue goes out when one of my sons were born and made me whole.
This one comes at Lucas’o’clock - enjoy!
I spent the last week deep in the bowels of adversity. Not my own, for once, but researching the topic of desirable difficulty to honor a request from Psychology Today’s editor-at-large to join an upcoming triplet of cover stories.
My first brush with the power of hardship came long before I started digging into the psychology of it when I was practicing for the verbal portion of the GRE, going through a 500 page PDF a good friend from SIPA shared as guidance.
Smack in the middle of the entries for M stood mithridatism: The practice of rendering oneself immune or tolerant to the effects of a poison by ingesting or otherwise administering gradually increasing non-lethal doses of it. Also, the state of immunity or tolerance so acquired.
What I’d learn is that the concept is named after Mithridates VI, which translates from ancient Greek to essentially the OG of “get on my level” poison tolerance.
Son of a king, heir to a shaky throne, and eventually ruler of Pontus in northern Anatolia in modern-day Turkey, Mithridates VI had trust issues baked into his DNA. After his own father died suspiciously (read: most certainly poisoned by his attendants), the young royal went full Man Vs. Wild, disappearing into the wilderness, practicing shamanic rituals, and began what might be the world’s first recorded streak of microdosing by taking small amounts of literal poison to build immunity.
If that sounds vaguely Nietzschean (“what doesn’t kill you…”) it’s because it is. What our dashing young king (look at those curls) was biologically proving is a point that we should all learn to take seriously: you only get stronger by facing adversity.
Biology’s been whispering the same lesson for millennia, by the way.
Muscles only grow after we quite literally shred up at the microscopic level. The immune system boots up only after it’s been attacked. And while we all know stress , fewer know the concept of eustress (literally beneficial stress) which arises when stress actually improves our performance.
Why should the brain be any different?
If your brain is anything like mine, it spends most of its energy scheming how to get what it wants with minimal output which is a résumé-friendly way of saying it’s a lazy, self-serving hunk of neurons.
Evolution didn’t program us for enlightenment long-term optimization, it programmed us to survive just long enough to either pass on our genes or to support the same genes jostling around in another vessel, like our siblings and nieces. That’s it, the grand mission of the brain in all of its glory. If we manage to stack a few TED talks or graduate degrees on top, that’s gravy.
So the next time you instinctively correlate “ugh, this is hard” with “I should do something else instead” remember: this is your brain talking to itself. Of course it wants to be lazy.
But that doesn’t mean you should let it.
And no, don’t get me started on the topic of free will or you’ll never see the end of this email. Just read Sapolsky’s latest and join me in being upset about a dissatisfying argument I see no counters to.
Instead, just take my word for it and hold the thought of embracing difficulty for a few scrolls longer.
Why students rate classes that teach them the best worse than those that let them coast along.
The piece I’m writing for Psychology Today was commissioned by none other than Hara Marano, whose book A Nation of Wimps remains a must-read for anyone worried we’re raising kids like ornamental koi instead of wild salmon.
In it, I marry Mithridatism and desirable difficulties with Lev Vygotsky’s concept of the Zone of Proximal Development. This is where real learning actually happens, a magical place just beyond what we can do on our own, but still within reach with the right scaffolding. If you never leave the shallow end, you’ll never learn to swim, and the learning part itself is almost invariably distasteful to the leisure-seeking brain.
In my class room, this is concept is translated into practice by essential boiling the frogs, gently but decidedly.
Ever since having read on the ‘Pygmalion effect’ I’ve laced each of my classes with the expectation of greatness. Students routinely rise up to meet teacher expectations, in good or bad, and sometimes signaling to them that they have it in them is the biggest lesson you can endow them with.
From there, I begin to crank up the challenge gradient. Week by week, I increase the incline, reduce the crutches, and remove the training wheels. By the end of the semester, the scaffolding is gone, and what’s left is a stronger thinker who didn’t notice they were being slowly reverse-engineered into something formidable.
Mind you, I do this acknowledging the risks inherent to my end-of-semester reviews.
Deslauriers and others have shown how students hate active and demanding modes of instruction. When professors switch from lecturing to active classrooms, evaluations drop almost without fail. And yet, the more challenging classes also routinely lead to better outcomes. Ineffective lectures get five stars while active learning gets complaints because the moment you make someone work, they blame you for the discomfort.
I embrace the “the professor didn’t give us the answers” or “there could have been more taught frameworks” in my reviews, because that’s how I know it’s working.
Which brings us to your enemies.
Why you should wish your enemies get everything they want
It’s tempting to curse your nemesis with misfortune, I know, they deserve it.
May they live in interesting times, sure, but may they get everything they ever wished for is even better.
Comfort is the curse that they really deserve. Let them have their dream job, their sabbatical in Capri, and an actually successful Substack. Let them skip over every Lego placed in front of their feet and leap over every difficulty while they are at it.
Let their brain and character rot in the ease of it, because when things go too well, we stop growing. When we get what we want without the push, we misattribute it to skill, not luck. And when we’re finally tested, we snap like spaghetti.
Wish them all the wins. Keep the crucibles for yourself. That’s where the growth happens.
In fact, embrace the difficulty in all its glory. And just like my classrooms, make the world your cognitive gym.
That means embracing the good kind of friction that signals you’re in the Zone of Proximal Development. That means reading hard books that open up on the third reading (looking at you, Foucault). It means throwing yourself into uncertainty until your brain gets comfortable being uncomfortable as a matter of routine. That’s where the good stuff lives.
I’ll post the full Psychology Today piece once it’s out. But until then, consider this your reminder: don’t envy the easy path. Leave it for your enemies.
Your homework: Send this to someone who would benefit from amping the challenge they are giving their neurons today. If you got this through a referral, take it as a sign.
A book to read
This is the book that sparked this entire post - thanks Hara for trusting the cover piece with me. If you're even remotely worried that our current parenting and educational systems are turning bright young minds into overly bubble-wrapped, approval-seeking husks, this is your wake-up call.
She lays out a convincing case that when we protect kids from every bump and bruise, we’re actually robbing them of resilience. Essential reading if you care about grit, growth, or simply not raising the next generation of emotionally brittle adults.
A thing to do
Keep a “hard things” list and start knocking them out one by one
Angela Duckworth made grit cool and here’s your daily reminder to work on the hard stuff.
Keep a running list of things you’ve been actively avoiding, hard conversations, tough reads, real risks, and commit to tackling one each quarter. No dopamine hacks or iPhone app gamification. Just one tough thing every three months, compound that resilience!
A thought to have
Hormesis: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Who knew biology could be actually useful? Not me, dismissing the whole science until I actually read up on it. Hormesis is one of the many gifts that the field has in store for you.
Small doses of stress, pain, and pressure provoke adaptation. That’s true for muscles, minds, and mitochondria. The right dose of adversity can be exactly the training you need.
A product to love
Neuro Gum
I tried Neuro Gum live on my podcast with the founders who were about to head off on a seven-day bachelor party bender in Japan (which, honestly, might deserve its own podcast).
I popped my first piece at minute 0 and recorded the effects as it started to kick. Clean, focused energy without the jitters, and now a part of my carry-on.
Thanks to the Neuro team for sponsoring this month’s giveaway. The product’s vetted, the vibes are good, and the Curiosity Code podcast with the founding duo drops this fall.
Recent writings on Forbes and beyond
Latest: Why This Nasdaq Listed CEO Changed His Mind About AI, And What It Took (Forbes)
Declining Birthrates Are Breaking The Economy. Can We Fix It In Time? (Forbes)
In Defense of Intuition: Why Gut Feelings Deserve Respect (Psychology Today)
Your Brain Hates Your Cubicle—Here’s How to Thrive Anyway (Psychology Today)
Arvind Jain: The Humble Builder Behind Glean And The Future Of Agentic AI (Forbes)
The Outsider Advantage: How Naïveté Fuels Billion-Dollar Startups (Forbes)
Never Make a Bad Choice Again by Embracing Self-Nudging (Psychology Today)
The Psychology Of Better Choices: How Startups Are Rewiring Our Habits (Forbes)
Staying Curious Is the Most Dangerous Thing You Can Do (Psychology Today)
After Arkansas: The Future Of FEMA And U.S. Disaster Relief (Forbes)
Ryan Gellert on Building a Future Where Sustainability Is Not Optional (Forbes)
Why Struggling (the Right Way) Helps You Learn (Psychology Today)
Want to Make Better Decisions? Copy the Slime Mold (Psychology Today)
Your Brain Was Built to Forget—Make It Work For You (Psychology Today)
The Case For Terminal Optimism In An Unpredictable World (Forbes)
The AI Coordination Revolution You Haven’t Heard About Yet (Forbes)
Where and how to get involved
A book is coming.
The Curiosity Code (yes, the book) is officially in motion. I’ll be drafting chapters this fall, weaving together insights from CEO interviews, classroom sessions, and conversations like the one we’re having here. If you have stories about range, curiosity, or unorthodox paths — I’d love to hear them in the chat or comments.
A podcast is brewing
We’ve started taping episodes for the first season of The Curiosity Code podcast. Early guests include the CEOs of Lovesac, Grindr, NOVOS, Front, and Aampe. Can’t wait to launch this properly in a few months.
I am currently conducting a study on range and how it impacts people’s career trajectories. Ten questions and a name will get you on the hall of fame as we pump up the n on the study. Link below - thanks for considering it!
You’ve reached the end - thanks for scrolling all the way down.
Curiosity is best when enjoyed in great company.
Refer this issue and grab a chance to get a tester package of Neuro blessed by the founders themselves (randomly selected from all referrals made). I’m connecting with the duo for a longer chat, recorded for the upcoming Curiosity Code podcast, and will be grilling them on their curious path to setting up the company. If you want your question included in the mix, hit me up via the Substack chat or email.
