The three moves behind every great conversation
How every customer call, therapy session, and deep conversation runs on Ask, Affirm, Address (or at least should)
More effective conversations are just a simple loop away. Ask, Affirm, Address
Asking creates direction without taking over the conversation
Affirmation builds trust by making people feel heard and understood
Addressing ties connection to action, which is where outcomes actually change
There’s a set of three magic words you’ve been subjected to for years now, making you more easy to work with.
And once you see it, you won’t be able to unsee it.
It is what customer service experts use to diffuse difficult clients and it is the exact same that a some of the greatest therapist use when they are working their craft.
Because if you want a steady baseline of productive interactions, especially when you have no idea who or what you are up against, there are very few tools as reliable as the Ask, Affirm, Address loop.
And if you keep your eyes open this weekend, I am sure you will see it play out in real time which is exactly where this lessons begins: noticing it.
It Begins with an Ask
Life may insist on handing out lemons at inconvenient times, but the underlying rule is still simple. If you ask for nothing, you get nothing.
If you want outcomes that are positive and at least somewhat under your control, asking is a muscle you need to build.
Which is why I recently sent my students out on what turned into a wildly successful scavenger hunt across campus. They came back with everything from handwritten notes to, somehow, a handful of pregnancy tests that now sit in my office as trophies of a well-timed “would you have anything for us.”
When used correctly, the act of asking does more than get you things, it gives you an organic way of shaping the flow and direction of a conversation without taking either one over.
Which is why, sooner rather than later, someone will ask you “did I understand correctly” before walking you through a delayed shipment or a ticket that vanished from under your seat.
It is a subtle act of commandeering another person’s cognition, and it works.
Asking questions does wonders for more than just for complaints, mind you.
I still remember how a few years ago I interviewed an executive coach with more than forty years of experience who opened with a simple question. “What is it that you love about your life today.”
In that moment I realized how poorly optimized my own “great weather” openers were, and I have never gone back after seeing how his question pulled the conversation somewhere real within seconds.
When done well, asking sincere questions signals interest and creates direction at the same time. It is active listening on steroids and your own terms.
And once you follow it with affirmation, you’re really in business.
Affirm
It is hard to overstate how powerful it is when you can make others feel heard.
Most people are not asking you to solve their problems immediately, or sometimes at all. What they are really asking you is to recognize that those problems are real and that them experiencing it matters to you.
What affirmation does not mean is agreeing with everything like the yesmen we’ve made our ChatGPTs into. Instead, it calls for demonstrating that you understand the emotional reality in front of you.
Sometimes it can be as simple as “I hear you” or “that makes sense.” Sometimes it is saying nothing at all and allowing the other person to finish without interruption. In fact, as a Finn, I cannot oversell how the strategic use of silence is one of the most underrated tools you have.
There is a reason de-escalation training builds on this principle. When people feel acknowledged, the conversation opens and moves from an antagonistic stance to one where there’s space for collaboration on shared problems instead.
And once that door opens, you are no longer pushing against someone. You are working with them, which is exactly where you want to be if you are playing the game of influence and persuasion.
That is the moment where most conversations either stall or move forward.
Because affirmation without action feels hollow.
Which is where the final step comes in.
Address
We recently reviewed dozens of corporate vision and mission statements, all warm and fuzzy like a blanket. Yet, under the lightest scrutiny, almost all fell apart instantly.
They were word salad, or worse yet, consultant-made slop that is the equivalent of asking a well-dressed passerby to tell you who you are so you can go tell others.
Which is a problem, because the easiest way to lose the connection you have built is to do nothing real with it.
Not every conversation requires a grand gesture. In fact, most do not.
More often than not, all you need is something small like “I will take care of this.”
For leaders and managers, even the question “is there anything I can do for you” carries weight because of how it signals a sense of responsibility and confirms that the conversation mattered.
The next time your partner is building a storm over unwashed dishes or something equally minor to you but major to them, try this.
“I want to make sure you do not feel this frustrated again.”
Watch what happens next.
Because at that point, you are no longer arguing about dishes, you are addressing the feeling behind them.
Your task this week
Now it is your turn.
I gave my students a simple assignment, and you can try it too.
Use the Ask, Affirm, Address method for a week and report back with what you begin to notice changing in your interactions.
You do not need to overthink it, and you don’t need to report back although the comments and my email are there for you if you need some academically adjacent affirmation.
As long as you are paying closer attention to what people are actually going through, acknowledging it in the moment so they feel heard, and then doing something about it, even if that something is small, you are on the right track.
That is all this is. Ask, affirm, address, and you will see just how quickly people respond differently when they feel understood and taken seriously.
A book to read
The Human Story by Robin Dunbar
If you want to understand why conversation matters far more than we admit, start here. Dunbar makes a compelling case that language evolved not just to exchange information, but to maintain social bonds at scale, which reframes small talk from nuisance to necessity.
A thought to have
The experimenter’s mindset: Test the Ask, Affirm, Address loop for a week
You do not need to force it into every interaction. Just use it enough to see what happens when people feel heard and then see you act on it.
A thing to do
Make conversations interesting, first and foremost for you
If you approach every interaction with the quiet goal of satisfying your own curiosity, the energy shifts immediately. Better questions follow, listening improves without effort, and people tend to meet you at that level.
A product to love
Sony WH-1000XM3, ideally held together with duct tape
They have outlasted most things I have owned, including a few phases of my life. The noise cancelling still holds up, the battery refuses to die, and the duct tape has become less of a repair and more of a design choice at this point.
Study #1: Seeing if Kvashchev’s experiment holds water.
We’re enrolling up to 200 participants for a lighthearted study on whether creative problem solving actually does a thing to our cognitive performance. Join here!
Study #2: Range as a predictor of leadership success
I am currently conducting a study on range and how it impacts people’s career trajectories. Ten questions and a name will get you on the hall of fame as we pump up the n on the study. Link below - thanks for considering it!
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Curiosity is best when enjoyed in great company.